This is something that has been on my mind way before all these riots and protest were going on. Corruption is everywhere, in every profession, in most churches ( yes I am going there), in humanity, within families etc. The truth is so much corruption is overlooked and has been for all of history, for me personally my whole mind set has changed and I make myself more aware of who I am involved with and what I use my time on.
At 30 years old memories of my younger days at a brain washing church still haunts me to this day, I get nauseous and sad when I am flooded with these memories. That was corruption and disgust at its finest, controlling what women wear, controlling what we do in our own homes, meanwhile you had the late night van rides where things would be said or done. Jokes, mean jokes were said in front of everyone if my family or I tried a new church, ” Nazarene Neffs” was the taunting thing said all the time by this “high up church member” . Meanwhile side note, we ended up at the Nazarene church and it was the best years of my life!! Anyways, I’ll never forget sitting in the building as we were having a meeting/ dinner all together and something pissed this “member” off and he proceeded to then call me out for still liking my ex-boyfriend and they all laughed at me. The stuff may sound silly but it messes you up, its hurtful.
I did not have a good relationship with my father growing up therefore; I looked up to another member of the church, someone in a high position. We were close, I felt included in the family etc. but I let so much slide, because I just yearned for the male attention. I’d allow the hands up and down my shirt when we would have a snow ball fight, I’d allow the hands down the front of my skirt. I truly believe “daddy issues” is a real thing and that effected my whole teenage life. Maybe it still does today? Even though now my dad and I are very close and I am thankful for that relationship.
That very ex-boyfriend that I was taunted about, he went to bible college to become a pastor, meanwhile on Christmas break he came back and had sex with me before going back to college, where he would spread rumors that I am a liar and nothing ever happened and I stalk him. I got to the point of always cutting myself bad, I started that in 8th grade but it got worse when things like this happened. I’d use thumbtacks, knives, scissors anything to feel pain and focus on that instead of the emotional hurt I felt. When I wanted to call the bible college that lovely higher up member said ” I have his back, I’ll back up his story completely”. This is what I was dealing with at 15-16 years old, from that point on I did not care about myself at all. I never told my parents about this stuff because I am never one to “ruin or blow up” someones life, so now 15 years later I write about it all. Maybe to help others? Maybe to release some of the sadness I still feel?
I’ll never forget the wife of one of the “higher up member” saying to me ” not my fault you have sex with every boyfriend, wowzers”. Meanwhile honey bunch you had no clue what your husband was up to, and I let her believe what she wanted, meanwhile I had sex with one person until I got married. The lovely ex-boyfriend who was 18 at the time and I was 15, and it was ” sex or were not dating anymore” so sex we had and that is all our “relationship” was. This man chased me for years, and the second he got what he wanted he cheated on me with a good friend at the time and then dumped me before going off to bible college. Thank God it happened if I put it in perspective, I would have hated my life if I ended up with him or the life he wanted/has now.
From the summer of 2005-2011 I went dark, I think I just went through the motions of life. Even when I started dating my now ex-husband in 2007 , I was broken. My family and I left that evil church in 2006 we went to other churches until we landed on the Nazarene church that we had visited years prior. To this day I am thankful for that church, I would still be there if certain personal circumstances did not occur, but forever thankful for the Pastors, and the lifelong friends I still talk to today.
I sit here and reflect on those dark years, I remember it was 9th grade I was still in high school then, a friend saw my wrist and reported me to the counselor. I was livid, I had to call my mom and she picked me up but, I was greeted with love and tears. She was so sad for me and mad at herself for not knowing I was doing this to myself. I went to school the next day and hugged my friend so tight, I don’t know if she reads this blog but I think she would remember doing that for me. I knew her heart was in the right place however; it did not stop me it only got worse those years in that church but I guess I didn’t really want to die, the cutting just released something else for me, I cannot explain it but if you have done it you know. If you are currently doing it STOP! it did not help me in the long run, it just leaves marks that you have to look at and be reminded over and over again about that time in your life.
I hope people will read this and know exactly who and what I am talking about, to this day I never received acknowledgment and or an apology. I do not expect one, I had to forgive them to move on but it is still so pressing on my mind. How 15 years later I still remember all these scenarios, all the hurtful words, all the lies, all the touching, all the pain.
This is my personal experience with corruption, if this happened to anyone I love or anyone reading this, I am sorry. I never really speak about this to anyone, I’ve mentioned very little to my family and friends because I cannot express it without crying. So I woke up today, listening to my worship music and decided its time to blog about the corruption I experienced , the pain, the hurt, the reason to this day I am still addicted to attention, it all stems from my younger years.
If you see something going on like this is any space, please speak up. I wish I had sooner and when I did about the ex- boyfriend I was told they would cover it up but don’t let that stop you please!!