“It is okay to not be okay” now that is a phrase I say out loud but inside I am sick of not being okay. On the outside I smile, I laugh, and I say ” really guys I am good” but am I? Some days I believe my own smile and happiness and maybe I feel guilty for being or feeling happy. I feel as though people think I should erase the years of my life from 16 to now, but I am not built that way, I don’t wipe people or feelings away and too damn bad if it offends people. Hell I am offended, I am offended that my life took a dive down so deep I really only see dirt right now, I am offended by the betrayal and lies, and pissed off that my life is not what I thought it would be.
All the people around me their lives are blossoming and I am so happy for them but inside I can’t help my emotions, my feeling of wow my life was amazing for so long and now mine is different and sad and theirs is amazing. I share this all tonight because that is what I have always done, kept it real and honest. Life is not always “peaches and cream” and my blog started in such a happy hopeful light, and for a period of time things have changed. Its funny but my life has made people say “wow what your going through is a prime example of everything can change in a second” and literally that is the reality!
The hopeful positive Polly Colie is not lost for good, I am still here. I do enjoy a lot of days and I love my new job and apartment. I still get to babysit the kiddos which brings me more joy then anything these days and I am alive. There is hope, ” For I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11.
What are those plans? Will I ever feel whole again? Lord only knows and as soon as I know you all will too. I am a work in progress and forever am grateful for life I have had thus far, in the good times and the bad. I could have done without the bad for sure! but such is life.
Till next time..