There may have been some readers who read the last two posts and thought wow she is trying to paint this picture perfect life she has going on but that is far from the truth. I am a regular woman with a lot of struggles and a marriage that is not amazing on it’s own.
Depression, self-harm, anger, are all three things that would describe me, Nicholle Marie for many years of my life. I am an open book, those close to me know my struggles and have been with me on my journey to be the best version of myself I can be and I am still at 28 a work in progress. I don’t believe it was just one thing that lead me down a dark path but a whole mess of events that lead to those dark years.
My dad played the role ( mind you I have 1 biological dad and 1 dad who adopted me when the biological one did not want one and then went and had a kid he did want a year or so later ) anyway; my adopted dad played the role of a good Christian man , you know the ” king of the house” mentality yet he could physically, verbally and psychologically abuse you and the family behind closed doors. I could see him playing the role and people loved him, still to this day they think wow that guy he is so nice and funny, and I remember being little and on the inside screaming ” how do you not see, help us!!!”
Not that I can excuse my future behavior but like my dad I became a bully I guess you’d say, I wasn’t even nice to my own sisters, I wanted nothing to do with them I was my own person I chose friends over family, I was mean all the way until 9th grade. Why was that the attribute I obtained from such a volatile man? People who know me now I know 100% won’t believe it but it is true; granted not from the time I was 3 to 13 was I mean every two seconds but a lot of my time I was angry and mean but then there were the days and times I would be out running with friends, laughing, playing dolls with my sisters. It was the second we were back in the house getting screamed out for I don’t know what that I would go back into my shell & go into my dark thoughts.
As I got older I became the “saver” not “savior” that belongs to Jesus Christ but I became the “saver” of my family I remember by the age of 12 I would scream back at my dad try to hit him back even called the cops a whole bunch of times just so he would leave my siblings alone. Once my favorite one and only brother came into this world I became in full defense mode , I mean I was 13 when he was born and I would be damned to let him be in any danger. I had one sister always verbally abused about weight , a mother too, and another sister who like me just got yelled just because he came home in a bad mood. I thanked God though for my sister M, she took on the role of helping with our baby brother a lot so I could escape the house and just be out of the “hell” hole, we had two working parents and we all shared responsibility but when it was just dad home , M was nice enough to stay with him so I could be free. Anyways, this is not a oh feel sorry for Nicholle post this is a reality post, life is not always rainbows and butterflies but if you want to change your life YOU have got to do it yourself.
It is a miracle they say that my dad could butcher what a being a Christian means and yet I still kept faith a number one. My life is dependent on God and I found a man who loves Christ more than me and that is what you want! Granted it took a while for me to get there, and there was a period where my dad and the old church I was in brainwashed me so bad I wanted out of the whole “God” thing but thank God that did not last and now I am the happiest I have ever been.
Depression is a disorder/disease & like many humans I suffer now and then with relapse ( not the self harm thank God) but the thoughts, the tears, the sadness but all in all I am proud of where I am now and I try not to live in the dark place. I share this story because my hope is someone who may be in the dark place now or was will see this post and see it does not mean the end of the rope, there is hope & love. I have an amazing relationship with all four of my siblings and my mom, I speak to my biological father via text at least once a week and my adopted dad we are trying, it will be a long road but I have kept the doors of communication open.
Disclaimer; he was not beating us to pulps or anything like that nor my mother it was more so him throwing things around the house, screaming in our faces and a few times things got out of hand so I just knew the cops would at least remove him for the night etc. & we do have a family that would have been there for us in a heartbeat; we were not neglected just afraid therefore mom kept it to herself how bad it really was.